When Love Costs Too Much: Reclaiming Yourself Through Boundaries

If you’ve ever seen a therapist post on the internet, you’ve probably heard about boundaries. In a nutshell, boundaries are guidelines that define how we expect to be treated by others. They are the outline of what we need and the treatment we will—or will not—accept from those around us.

"Boundaries" are a hot topic. Many of us know they’re important, maybe even essential. But what’s often missing from the conversation is why boundaries matter and how to set them in a way that strengthens, rather than jeopardizes, our relationships.

Many of us—myself included—grew up with the belief that love must be all or nothing. Boundaries weren’t encouraged. In fact, they were often ignored or punished when we tried to set them.

As children, this message can come in countless forms. Maybe our “no” was dismissed as a tantrum. Our needs were labeled as dramatic or ungrateful. We were told to hug relatives we didn’t want to touch, to share things we didn’t feel safe sharing, to give more than we had in the name of love. We learned—subtly or directly—that saying no meant risking love, and that boundaries were dangerous because they might push people away.

Somewhere along the way, we internalize the belief that being loved means keeping others happy at any cost. And so, we become people pleasers. We bend until we break. We tell ourselves it’s easier to ignore our needs than risk being disappointed when those needs aren’t met. We equate peace with silence, and sacrifice with safety.

Over time, this can lead to deep emotional exhaustion, resentment, and a sense of losing ourselves in relationships. I hear this often in my work with clients: people struggling with chronic people-pleasing, codependency, and the fear that they are only lovable if they are endlessly accommodating. Beneath that fear is often a painful question: Do they love me, or do they only love what I can do for them?

Here’s what I want you to know:

Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re bridges. They help us show up authentically, love more fully, and build relationships rooted in trust and respect. Boundaries are how we protect our peace and preserve our energy. They are the context for how to love each other safely.

When we learn how to set healthy boundaries, we’re not pushing people away—we’re making space for real connection. We’re saying: This is who I am. This is what I need. And I want to build something with you that’s safe and sustainable.

If this resonates with you—if you’re navigating complex relationships, dealing with family estrangement, recovering from narcissistic abuse, or untangling yourself from patterns of codependency and people-pleasing—I want you to know that you are not alone. These patterns are deeply human, and they can be unlearned.

In my work as a therapist, I help people reconnect with their sense of self, set boundaries without guilt, and heal relationships that once felt impossible. If you're ready to begin that journey, I’d be honored to support you.

You deserve to feel safe, seen, and whole in your relationships—without disappearing to make it happen.